The truth is I'm a planner. I love to plan something; look forward to something. I want to know what's next and attack it in life. I like to be spontaneous in moments, but when it comes to the "big steps" in life I am always thinking about what's next and how I should approach it. I think there are pros and cons to being this type of person. I am ready for anything and change doesn't bother me... in fact I welcome it. I am always thinking about where I could live, what I could do next, when I should go back to school and where, when Brian and I will start my family, and how Brian and I will travel the world together. I am motivated to pursue a life that continues to grow richer over time and will continue to challenge me. But... maybe it does take away from the here and now a little, and I am sure that it causes me to think too much. I didn't have every detail of my life planned out, or when exactly everything might happen, but I had an idea of what my life was going to be like and what I would have to do to achieve that. Had...
AS is uncertainty and that is all I KNOW that it is. I have no idea how it will develop in me. I don't know what I will lose from it. I don't know what I will gain from it. I don't know when I will have a flare, how long that flare will be, or how severe it will be. I don't know if I will have any fusion, or when that may happen. I don't know how many good days there will be versus bad days. I don't know what treatments I will try, that they will work, or what new ones may develop in my life time. I don't know if tomorrow will be as good as today was. I don't know if I will be able to live a normal life, an adjusted life, or a limited life. It comes down to trying everything I can and hoping for the best, but I am a fool if I believe that there will not be challenges ahead.
Like I said... I am a planner and I had a disease that can't be planned out. I find myself worrying about smaller, sooner plans. For example, in May I will be in Florida for 5 days with Brian. Our first trip anywhere (besides to see family) since our honeymoon and I wonder if I will be in a flare while we are there. I can't control that. I can't predict that. That is the hardest part of this for me. Letting go of what I can't control and pouring myself into the things that I can control to better myself and my health. I am not an overly religious person, but I find myself turning to a prayer from my childhood. I always loved it and now it speaks to me more than ever...
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes life's test remind you of how important faith can be. Whether its in God, human spirit, or yourself... having faith that you will survive even the greatest challenges can be empowering...
This past week, I met with the GI. He does not believe that I have Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis, but I will have to 2 procedures and scan to be sure. None of which sound pleasant, or cheap... but its better to have the best understanding of what my body is going through. That way I can be closer to making a PLAN for long term treatment. What I keep trying to remind myself is that plans rarely work out the way you thought they would. "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." A quote I have loved and said to myself when my plans went off course. Something else that seems to be speaking to me even more these days...
I will have to learn to let go and let my life take its course, because I find the more I am trying to plan, the more stress I am building within myself. It is extremely unnerving to think about your life and your future, and how a disease will affect all of that. You start letting negativity seep into everything that you are building towards and living for, and its like poison. The things I am looking forward to the most are now tainted with the idea that I could be in a flare or unable to attack my future the way I had planned. It's hard not to think about the future, but especially now... It's funny, actually. It's what I need to surrender the idea that I can control how it will all turn out that I am thinking about it more than I ever have in my life. There is so much I don't want to lose, but the stress of thinking about it over and over is probably the worst thing I can do for my disease and my sanity. I have control on how I deal with my disease now. So, I am working on letting go and having faith that even the things that take planning will work out as they should. I will work hard to give myself the best possible outcome, beat the odds, and have faith that it will work in my benefit. I will attack one day at a time rather than be prepared for many years at one time, because the truth is... even if I didn't have AS it probably wouldn't have all worked out the way I had planned.
So, I am having scans and scopes, and I am taking more supplements than ever... and I am going to try to leave the stress behind. I need to remember to nurture myself and let myself feel what is happening to me, and then let it go. I think it is important to be in touch with how I feel about everything happening to me, but there is no sense in dwelling on it and stressing about how I won't be able to control it. This, of course, is easier said than done... but I will do my very best. I owe it to myself.
People do the best they can with what they have. I continue to have amazing support, especially from my husband. The more I let go, the less stress my disease will have to feed off of. The more I accept that the unknown can be exciting, rather than terrifying, the more I will be living to the fullest in the present time. And, well, the present is what I have to work with.
With my glass half full... (of wine :) )
Amanda
