Stress.
Hello… You old Jerk. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of telling you to "Back the @%#$ up" and "Stay out of my life…" But, alas, here we are. We meet again. I knew you would be back… but, man, what a vengeance. You have it out for me this time. Way to take the good things that I hold onto and challenge them completely. Way to take my outlets and make them useless. You know what, just talking about you, helps you thrive in my life. Ugh, I need some mad meditation or something…
Okay, so meditation. I got this. I am into yoga. I have had some amazingly deep meditative states at the end of my practice. I didn't think deep meditation was possible for crazy thinkers and controllers like me, but I have before… Yep, I can do this. Close your eyes, breathe… Deep breath. Where is your breath, Amanda? Hello? Oh, crap. You are holding your breath. YOU CAN'T BREATHE. BREATHE!!! *Whooooosh* What the hell did you do that for? Are you trying to kill yourself? Why is your breath so shallow… and jumpy? Dear, Lord. Is this why you were holding your breath? You can control it… In and out. It's simple. This is simple. *In, in, shake, shake… Out, out, shake, shake…* Why are you shaking. Get this under control! Okay, try holding your breath and see if that helps. Why aren't you breathing?! BREATHE!
Okay, breathing is finally stabilizing. Good. We are there. Wait, are you crying? Are there tears rolling down your face? Yes, there are. Well, there goes the breathing. Okay, I surrender. We obviously need to feel this. Please, just curl up in a ball. We will cry together. I, your mind, will cry with you. However, I should make it know that I don't understand you, Heart. You are making no sense right now… and you won't let me help you… But, I hurt too now. I hurt because you hurt, and you won't talk to me. I will cry with you and we will try again later. Let's just hope the rest of the body doesn't know we are breaking down…
If only I was that lucky. Sadly, this dance between my brain and my heart has been happening for some time now. This is not the time, place, or method that I would like to get into my personal life or challenges… but, for the purposes of this post… all you need to know is that shit has been really tough over the last couple months. I am in a very stressful, trying, and emotional time in my life. I wanted to do everything I could to keep the AS at bay, but my a breakdown has a way of coursing through all your veins and straight into your weaknesses.
Needless to say, my diet went out the window. When you are breaking down… there is something so intoxicating about cookies, french fries… and bad food in general. If you are eating, that is. Its like being at the extreme end of a scale, isn't it? You are either stuffing your face with every toxic, delicious, sugary, bread, horrible thing in sight…. or you can't even look at a piece of food without wanting to spill your guts, stomach acid, and whatever food is left in your system. I have gone back and forth on this extreme scale the last couple months. I am either eating every piece of crap food in sight, or I am not eating at all.
Anyways, my immune system has been all over the place. I have missed workouts, yoga, peaceful and mindful meditation… My hormones have been all over the place… and it was all a ticking bomb. I knew it was coming. I could hear the ticks… but I tried to remain positive. When I have had energy, I did something for me. Maybe yoga. Maybe a bath. Maybe just a laugh. But, last week… my body heard this ongoing crying between my heart and my head and it surrendered. I had a flare.
Oh, AS flare. How you pain me so. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It has been the last straw on this journey through hell. Luckily, some yoga, some relaxing, some pain meds… and I seem to be coming out of this one on top. It didn't get as severe as a couple ones in the past, and I didn't have to do anything to drastic to get back to an okay place. I am in pain or have pretty severe aches everyday right now though :( Manageable, but annoying and hard. Frustrating. Uncomfortable. Sometimes, I just want to scream… "I WISH MY BODY WOULD ACT IT'S AGE!!!"
I do, sometimes, wonder what other 25 year olds feel. What their aches and soreness are like… If they have any. I mean, if you are active, or sitting at a desk all day, or maybe lifting heavy objects… I am sure you are. But, I wonder how deep that pain goes and what "normal" is. This disease can be so draining, so debilitating, and so so so painful sometimes. I know that the stress doesn't help, and I have my moments of strength, but to be honest with you… my friends, family, readers, and supporters… I am going through a rough time and I am fighting the odds with this disease and continual flares. This is the first day where I felt I could humor the idea or writing to express myself, my frustrations, and the battles of AS and stress.
Stress, hard times, struggles, low periods… whatever you call them, and however long they last…they are challenging. They are the periods we have to fight to get through and challenge our thinking on. They sometimes make no sense at all. You have no reason to feel a certain way, but then again… every reason in the world. We all have them, we all go through them. In different ways, and for different reasons. But not only do I have to find my head and my heart's communication line through a rough time, but I also have to battle the stronger and uglier head of this disease. It sees the weakness in my emotions and wants to attack. I am vulnerable. However, at my very core… I am an optimist. I am a survivor. I know that I will be okay, I just don't always know how or when I will get there. So, this is what I am dealing with. This is where I am at in my journey. And to all of you reading, I could use your positive vibes, well wishes, and thoughts. Thank you.
Love to you all,
Amanda
