I think I had an immune system at one point... but I am not sure where I placed it. Have you seen it? I think I left it somewhere... possibly with my strength and well being. On that note, if you find either one of those, I would greatly appreciate their safe return.
Hmmm.... a description? Yeah, I can describe it. I kept it safe in my body for some time. It helped me ward of the evils of the world... disease, infections, viruses... It was my shield. It protected me from the evils that tried to attack and invade my body. I fed it well and did my best to take care of it...
You want the truth? I think it ran away... Well, first... it became compromised. Not because of anything I did directly, but because sometimes these things happen naturally and we have no control over it. It was something bigger than me... it was genetics. Anyways, that hurt my immune system. It made it abnormal, and tested its strength and ability. My poor immune system got confused and didn't know what it should be fighting anymore. It started attacking good tissue in my body. Luckily, I have been able to help it calm down and not be so hard on my poor tissue that runs through my back and hips. But, recently I think it became suppressed due to stress. It fell into a dark hole and didn't want to fight any more. It wanted to lay there and sleep; curl up and be left alone. It wanted to not fight anymore and just let everything pass, no matter the damage.
During this suppression, I have been sick multiple times, developed scars from simple scratches, multiple bruises, cold sores, viruses, etc. I have spent so much time and money at doctors trying to get my immune system to "respond." I have been told numerous times that it is pretty much non-existent at this time. So, God forbid, someone sneeze around me, cough, not wash their hands, have the stomach flu... I feel like I should be the Bubble Boy. My doctor keeps asking me if I am dealing with anything creating high stress in my life... Ha. I wonder what would make him think that.
I miss my immune system. Hell, I miss my energy and my strength. I miss my motivation and my desire to take on the world. I feel like a slug most days. In some moments, I feel my immune system creeping out of its deep, dark hiding spot... but immediately, my back and hips begin to ache. My hips fall out of alignment and my back muscles release. this causes more stress on its own, and well back into the hole we go.
I am in a cycle of stress, depression, aching, and discouragement. I have a lot going on in my personal life and it is affecting me physically. I feel like I barely know my own body anymore. I may not be having full blown flares or pain the way I was when I was diagnosed or in the past, but I feel that I am losing my health in so many other areas. I am wearing down, stiffening up, falling into illnesses, picking up the pieces, and starting a cycle all over again.
I try to remind myself that I am strong and that I can do this... I can help show my immune system the way home. I can bring it back and still keep my AS under control. I tell myself this multiple times a day just in hopes there is any chance that I might believe it.... that I might make it true.
I am being worn down physically, mentally, and emotionally due to the cycle of events and stress in my life these days. I won't go into too much detail as they are matters close to my heart, but its been one of the hardest times in my life. I am doing my best to maintain my health, build my immune system, and remain positive. I have begun a starch free diet again. I am hoping that might help things along. I am trying to be more aware of my body, what it needs, and what it is trying to tell me. The challenges of life are never easy, and having an auto immune disease makes them that much harder to deal with and get through. We each have our own battles and no matter how big or how small... we are all fighting something. What we all really need is compassion and patience from each other, no matter the circumstances. Some people are fighting battles you know nothing about.
So, for the past few months... I have been dealing with a lot personally and emotionally, and it has definitely affected me physically. I am aware of that, and well its the first step to changing things for the better. I am hoping that my immune system will return home soon and help me to protect my physical body while my heart and mind try to figure out the rest.
Thanks for your love and support.
Amanda
