As many of you know, I have been in a pretty significant flare the last few days. I have been lucky enough to have not had any significant pain in almost 9 months... but here I am. I felt that this... this moment and pain, this first, real flare after my diagnosis, would be an important thing to document.
Truth is, I worried about this moment breaking me. I did not know where or when it might take place, but I worried I would not be mentally prepared for it. There is some sort of deep connection between the physical and the emotional. They communicate and feed off of each other. When one is depressed, they are many times fatigued, disconnected, and sluggish. When you are physically exhausted, many times you are stressed, impatient, and grouchy. Maybe this is just something I notice in myself, but the human body and the human emotion are a communicating being that help decide the you that you are going to be that day. Anyways, I was broken, but only in the moment. I let myself feel my weakness, recognize my pain. And I felt it... I truly felt it. I was connected to the disappoint I had in being in that state, and the absolute drain of energy it takes to try and get out of it. Acknowledging that it was disappointing to be in this place allowed me to feel that, and then let it go. I could then asses what my physical body needed... what it was trying to communicate to me.
A couple weeks ago, I had the great opportunity to work with Manouso Manos, one of the most prestigious Iyengar teachers in the world. This opportunity opened new doors to my understanding of yoga and the poses I regularly work in, but more than that... I gained an emotional understanding of yoga, and my disease. Manouso stated that one of the biggest mistakes that people with chronic illness and autoimmune diseases make is that they feel they should "attack" the disease head on. That they should fight it and yoga (or some other medication, exercise, etc.) will be their weapon. There is no cure all for A.S. There is no wonder drug, or magic diet, or exercise I can do to stop it... or kill it... or make it never come back. It is a part of me.
My body is ATTACKING itself, why should I attack back? I have believed for so long that in order to be successful at something or better my life in some regard, I must ATTACK the challenge ahead of me. "I must conquer the disease" has been the mindset that I have had, hoping that it would make me stronger and keep me away from symptoms... That workshop opened a whole new way for me to think about this disease and what my body is going through.
Manouso personally gave me an analogy about my A.S. He told me that if I had a wild animal, I would not beat, attack, or over work this animal expecting it to do what I want... at least not with the results I wanted. I would nurture the animal. I would take care of it, love it, and find a way to communicate with it so that I could get the desired actions from the animal. Perhaps not everyone treats animals in this way, but those who have the best relationships with animals do. The same goes for our bodies. Those who listen to their bodies and nurture their bodies, those are the people with the tools for success. Every day is a learning experience in which I need to be communicating with my A.S. and become aware of what my body is trying to tell me. I will not be able to fight off my A.S. and yoga will certainly not stop me from ever having a symptom again, but it will be the tool I have to stay mobile through my pain and potentially help me work out of the pain. I will know if a back bend feels good or whether a restorative pose will bring back the energy I need as a result of this ongoing battle within.
My diet, the yoga, the medication... these are all tools for me to aid my body and work within that communication. This flare has been horrible, painful, and physically draining. It keeps me from doing all of the physical things that help me relieve stress and live my daily, normal life. But, this flare is giving me the opportunity to communicate with my body. See what yoga works while I am flaring, to bring back in the physical therapy and see how that helps, to watch how the diet changes or doesn't change the symptoms... It gives me the opportunity to communicate with my A.S. and strengthen my knowledge for the future. This flare is a result of the ongoing war... my body against my body, but I will not let my knowledge and my emotions go to war. I want them to tame the attacker, to work with the disease to find ways through the worst of it and grow from each experience. If I do this, I may get to a place where yes, I have A.S., but I am managing it... working with it to a place of peace on most days. That way I can continue to have A.S., but not let it take me to battle and weaken what I still have control over.
It doesn't always have to be a fight. That is an emotionally and physically draining state to constantly be in. When the pain comes back and shoots from spine to my toes, I feel defeated in the attack. Today, I choose to look at this as the opportunity for a gained awareness of my body and opportunity to nurture it just a little bit more. I will not fight this flare, I will work through it and with it to a place where I feel better. And then, I will have the knowledge in how to move forward the next time I find myself in this painful, scary place.
Thanks for reading.
XO,
Amanda
