The truth is we always want control over the things we ABSOLUTELY have no control over. Maybe I shouldn’t generalize here… Maybe it is just me who tries to control the uncontrollable, but I highly doubt it. Anyways, time is one of those things. It is always fleeting. It never stays around for more than a second. In fact, it’s usually gone before that. I guess that’s what is so frustrating about time. The moment you think you have a handle on it, it’s gone. All we have is now. And now, now is gone. Sheesh.
But maybe, it’s about perspective… It is not about controlling time or stopping time or “making” time. Maybe it’s about flowing with time, accepting time, LIVING in the time you have. The truth is, no matter how planned out you have your life, it will still surprise you. That’s what happens when you have no control. Isn’t it fun? Ha. Well, it is at least interesting. And, sometimes it IS fun. Sometimes, it is heart breaking. But, I promise “time will tell” (I am so punny here), and you will learn something.
It shocks me that it has been a little over 3 years since I was diagnosed with A.S. How can it have been that long ago? How can it have ONLY been 3 years? I remember walking into my Rheumatologist's office with a list of over 20 questions to ask him about A.S. and my future. I wanted to know what drugs there were and what their side effects were. I wanted to know how many people ended up fusing and losing mobility. I wanted to know if I could still have kids and when I should have kids. I wanted to know how the drugs would affect a pregnancy. I wanted to know how long I would be mobile. I wanted to know about diets, supplements, and remedies. I wanted to know what my life would look like in 1 year, 3 years, 10 years, forever… Before I even saw my rheumatologist, I was prescribed Mobic 15 mg, once a day. When I sat in my doctor’s office for the first time, he told me we would be lucky to get ONE YEAR out of this medication. After that, I would likely have more intolerable pain and have to discuss other medications; most likely TNF blockers. To be honest… THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. A year?!?!? How was I supposed to plan my life out in only a year? Was I supposed to have a kid so I didn’t expose it to TNF blockers? Was I ready to take drugs that cautioned “THIS MAY CAUSE CANCER?” ONE YEAR?
But, time is fluid, and as I said, uncontrollable. I have been on Mobic for 3 years now, and I have cut my dosage to 7.5 mg. I take it approximately 3 times a week. None of this is to say I have not faced challenges in the last three years with my AS. I have had flares, had to take a steroid pack, change my diet, continue to be active, and know when to lay off. Some weeks I have to take my anti-inflammatory more often. Most recently, I had to go in for blood work every 4 weeks from October-December to monitor my elevated white blood cells. My body is still fighting and still inflamed, but I am learning how to help myself through it rather than panic on what it means or how much time I have. The point is, you can’t predict the future, you can’t control time, and you can’t try to plan your whole life out in a moment.
In the last 3 years, I have become stronger (mentally and physically), I have had my heart broken, I have stressed out, been devastated, fallen in love, and experienced pure joy. I have challenged myself, been proud of myself, I have done triathlons, run 5Ks, hiked to the top of mountains, traveled, biked Pikes Peak, and raised over $3,000 for SAA. I have created new friendships, strengthened old ones, lost people, gained family, laughed, cried, and mostly, I have surprised myself. Life has been, and will continue to be, a roller coaster. All you can do is work with, and react to, the moment you have at hand. And as for the rest, just hope for the best. You never know what lessons lie ahead, but as I already said, time will tell. Accept the journey and let time do its thing, you just keep doing yours to the best of your ability. Until next time… ;)
Hugs,
Amanda
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